Tea Leaves LA

by Kate

Evolution and sexual selection have produced some pretty crazy penises.

A few members of the animal kingdom are equipped with genitals that sound like something straight out of a science-fiction story, ranging from a penis covered in spikes to one that detaches itself from the male and seeks out mates on its own.

1. The Argentine Blue-Bill Duck

This cute little lake duck has something that will incite envy amongst human males: he is the biggest-swinging dick of the animal kingdom. Argentine blue-bills are equipped with a 17-inch corkscrew penis. Though scientists don’t have a definitive reason about why the duck has such a staggering member, they believe it’s a side-effect of extreme sexual selection. Female preference pushes male sexual parts to rapid extremes, like the tail of a peacock. In short, these blue-bills have monster members because the duck ladies LOVE IT. They have even developed corkscrew-shaped vaginas to better accommodate the males’ large endowment.

2. Echidna

I had never heard of these distant relatives of the anteater, but the Australian echidna instantly earned a spot on my OMG Adorbz!!! List of Cute Animals. Wait til you hear about his insane penis…

Echidnas have a four-headed penis. That’s right, four heads all capable of delivering sperm to one lucky lady. When mating, only two heads become enlarged and deposit sperm into the female’s two-tunnel reproductive tract. During the next sexual encounter, the penis will alternate sides, and the other two heads get the privilege of semen dispensary. Scientists believe this four-headed monster evolved due to the frantic, crowded mating rituals of the echidna. As many as a dozen males will attempt to inseminate a female at one time.

3. The Bean Weevil

I’m not that fond of bugs, and the bean weevil’s terrifying penis didn’t make this beetle any cuddlier. Insemination is a macabre experience for the female bean weevil. Their tiny sadistic counterparts posses a large penis covered in sharp spikes. During fertilization, the male weevil’s spiny member actually punctures and damages the female’s reproductive tract which stops her from mating with any other male. This is called traumatic insemination, and it gives male weevils a better chance for their genes to be passed on.

4. The Argonaut Octopus

This little guy is the Pimp Aquatic. Male Argonaut octopuses are five times smaller than their female counterpart and are equipped with a detachable penis stockpile. Males have modified arms called hectocotylus that are designed specifically to release semen. The tiny Argonaut only gets one chance to mate in his lifetime, and does so by releasing his penises from his body (they can have up to four). The free penis then swims alone through the ocean searching for a mate.

This concludes our filthiest post ever.

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by Kate

“Teddy Bear Picnic” always struck me as an eerie song. The idea of bears sending invitations to each other, preparing food and gathering at a predetermined location in the forest for fun and fellowship is a bit unsettling. Bears are only a few steps away from learning to walk, planning a revolution and taking over our cities.
A video of a 3-legged bear walking upright has been circulating the Internet. After watching it, I’m almost certain that all the Bigfoot sightings in America are actually bears strolling through the forest on two legs. I don’t think people realize what this means in an evolutionary sense. We really don’t want bears learning to walk. They’re already eating A LOT of Omega-3 fatty acids, which promotes good memory. If the bears get more intelligent, they might be unstoppable.
Forget Planet of the Apes. I would be much more afraid if bears tried to take over the world. Bears strike me as the “shoot first, ask questions later” type, and they’re better equipped for tearing you limb from limb without a weapon. I read a lot of horrifying bear attacks in Field and Stream as a child. I am quite aware that bears can rip your scalp off and throw your body off a cliff without breaking a sweat.

There is evidence that early human ancestors were driven to water pools for food and waded in on two feet. Scientists are unsure exactly how this fits into humans becoming bipedal, but it seems there is a link between bipedal wading and learning to walk upright on land.If you take the bipedal wading theory into consideration, bipedal bears seems like the next natural step for them in evolution. Bears spend a lot of time wading in rivers for food. It’s easier to walk upright in the water.

The Crittercam at least offers a glimpse of what we might be dealing with. It was invented by biologist and National Geographic producer Greg Marshall, so researchers could observe an animal’s daily activities from the animal’s point of view. It’s a collar with a small camera attached to it that is encased in a strong box to protect it from the animal. The Crittercam was first utilized for marine animals and eventually remodeled to be worn by land animals.

I saw a special on Crittercams recently about two researchers attempting to test the camera on bears. I hoped the bear cam footage would reveal a real teddy bear picnic, but I was terrified when that’s exactly what it showed. The bear was part of a family community, and the researchers were able to observe its interactions and daily routines.

A day in the life of a bear cub goes like this:  Play with other bear cubs. Dig a daybed. Take a nap. Wake up. Walk to the river. Eat a frog on the way. Get in the river. Catch a fish. Eat it. Play with other bears. Repeat. It was the creepiest, most fascinating thing I have ever seen. Bears are SO LIKE US! They have families! They have fishing buddies and schedules!

I worry about the bears realizing they’re being filmed though. The bear cub’s family gave the new collar a thorough inspection before going back to their bear business. I don’t think the cameras will be able to warn us of a looming bear invasion. If Fuzzy comes back from a walk with a strange blinking collar and says he can’t remember what happened, the other bears probably aren’t going to mention the revolution plans around Fuzzy and his alien device.

I’m not suggesting bears possess the brain capacity or critical thinking skills needed to pull off a successful revolt right now, but evolution is still happening. Some animals are going to die out, some will change in appearance and habits, and some may change in intelligence. Species find ways to survive and adapt to the world around them. If Detroit has to be abandoned one day because too many bears have moved in, some of the bears will learn how to open doors to get to the food inside. The ones who do will survive, and the ones who don’t will die. The walking 3-legged bear has a cub that watches her walk upright all day. The cub will probably learn to walk upright by observing its mother.

Evolution comes out of necessity. Bears have the capacity for further adaptation if the environment requires it. They are at the top of the food chain. Their only threat is humans, and we stay out of the woods. At the very least, it would be in our best interest to make sure they’re playing croquet and not planning revolutions at their yearly picnics.

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by Kate

My favorite thing about NOVA is how much information you can learn in one hour. I caught a bit of NOVA’s three-part series, “Becoming Human,” which traces the course of human evolution over the past 7 million years. During the part I saw, they were discussing how to determine when early humans lost their body hair. I’ve heard a lot of theories on the matter, but never the one presented by this series. A panel of very educated, very serious scientists explained to me that they had pinpointed the time to around 3.3 million years ago through the study of louse DNA.

Because lice are highly specialized to their host, there are many different species. In humans, head lice and pubic lice are two separate species. As our ancestors migrated to warmer climates, they began to lose their hair to allow sweating. Head lice, which used to cover the entire body, retreated to the head. The closest relative to the human head louse is the chimpanzee louse, which fits with the theory that chimps are our closest relatives. The human pubic lice, however, is a completely different species. The gorilla louse is its closest relative.

They determined the head lice moved to the head about 3 million years ago, leaving the pubic area open to contract other species of lice. The gorilla louse and human pubic louse diverged around the same time. NOVA was polite enough to say humans probably picked up gorilla lice by sleeping in an area previously belonging to a gorilla, but that didn’t stop me from imagining other ways that might happen. I suppose the gorilla nests of 3 million years ago were probably teeming with lice, but I still wondered if that kind of contact would be close enough to transfer the parasite. Further research didn’t offer any solid conclusions.

Louse DNA was also used to determine when early humans began wearing clothing. The human body louse is a mutation of the head louse, with different claws designed to cling to clothing instead of hair. Body lice became a separate species roughly 75,000 years ago, but there isn’t enough evidence to figure out an precise time when humans began to wear clothing. The available studies can only conclude that it probably didn’t happen before 75,000 years ago.

After all of my research, I can only wonder what other theories “Becoming Human” presented and how they fit into the human evolution theory. The combination of so many scientific fields produces theories I could never imagine. PBS posts its documentaries on the Internet now and the second I get three hours to spare, I am going to devour it.

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